I left his house this morning still a bit frustrated over the morning’s difficulties. As I was walking towards the bus stop, I selected David White’s What to Remember When Waking audiobook. I chose the chapter on vulnerability. The audio started “Any real conversation involves vulnerability. There is no conversation without vulnerability” then it stopped as the audio suddenly skipped to another file. That’s an interesting place for it to stop, I thought to myself, as I turned it back to David White. I had just spent the morning trying to express what I was feeling. I had been hurt and could not hide my tears. He wanted an explanation. I tried, but didn’t really.
Inviting him into my life recently was the first time I have opened to someone in two years. My last relationship ended because everything that went along with me having cancer turned out to be “too much” for someone. I was in the most vulnerable place I had ever been – feeling that I was walking a tightrope between life and death and that someone, who had been a huge part of my life for almost five years, walked away. I felt I could have fallen off the tightrope towards life or death, but I had to continue without support.
Over the last two years, I have found comfort and support in myself. I love myself more than ever, but there is so much love and concern for myself I tend to be overprotective at times. I feel if I get hurt and I fall, I am alone in picking up any broken pieces. I don’t want another mess when I feel like I finally just cleaned up the last one.
I know I was protecting myself this morning. Since we are both is a place of figuring life out for ourselves this is one of those “undefined” relationships. Because of the lack of definition, I don’t know where the borders are. What is the limit to opening up? Will something come out of me that the other cannot handle? Will I be “too much”?
I am at a point in my life where I am happy just to have companionship again, I don’t have big expectations of where it should go, so am casual and enjoying what is there at the moment. At the same time, I want to be respected, and not seen as just a “good times gal.” I know this is not how he sees me, but how can I feel honoured as more than that when my experience is that people leave when things get difficult.
Perhaps I entered this looking for a “good times guy”, someone who was happy with me when I was happy and would let me walk away if I was no longer pure pleasure for him. But I don’t think I got that kind of guy. He said yesterday that we hadn’t had a fight yet and in a way, he wanted to see what it would be like. I thought he was crazy. It was working as all fun and play, so why disturb that?
I say I want connection, but then I stay on the surface. A smooth, unruffled surface where everything appears to be clear. Why invite chaos and have to look beyond to see what is there when the reflection is not perfect?
Life isn’t smooth and clear all the time. I know that on a deep level, but sometimes I want to forget that and just seek out that what makes me feel good. I thought I put in the work, that the rough times had passed. But as long as I am here I will continue to feel the wind blowing over the surface and have a to look at what is revealed beneath.