Even though I haven’t been in place in life to look for a relationship since last fall, and I’m not ready to make space for one in my life at this time, a relationship is something I want in the future. As I am trying to be open to all possibilities in my life, I know I will open to the possibility of a relationship somewhere down the road. However, starting something like an intimate relationship can consume a lot of time and energy, so I am telling myself to be cautious when I reach that point on my path. I don’t want to exhaust myself thinking I am swimming along when I am really just treading in circles. [Read more…]
I’ve been feeling down on myself this last week as I’ve been thinking about everything that seems to be missing from my life. The things I want for myself that are not in place yet. The things I want to do but am not yet able. I’ve been having difficulty making decisions for the coming months because I don’t know where I will be or how I will be. I don’t want to look back one day and feel like I missed out on the things I have decided to say “no” to, but I also don’t want to pursue situations that I can’t be fully present for or jump into something just because it is something. [Read more…]
I returned home today after a stay in the hospital where I received a stem cell transplant. I was there for exactly twenty-one days, it seems long, but the time went by faster than I anticipated. Of course, there were days that seemed to drag on, especially when my body had pain and discomfort. I am surprised though that overall, things were not that awful. I know that is easy to say as I look back on things; once physical discomfort is gone it’s natural for me to forget. [Read more…]
It feels natural to preserve my life, yet the means to get there seem very unnatural. Modern medicine is strange to me; a human being is treated like a programmable computer, and the drugs are the algorithms. I sat here as the doctors hacked my system to a delete a cancerous virus. They have a lot of data saying that the drugs they introduced will remove the malicious software and reset my internal operating system. Although medicine is just as unnatural to me as computers, both are realities I’ve had to accept and embrace in order to keep living in today’s world. [Read more…]
I knew this time was coming, so, in the new year, I promised myself that I would be looking forward to being admitted to the hospital for a few weeks. I filled my calendar these last months, attempting more and more activities than I could reasonably integrate. I thought I would easily relax into nothingness once the opportunity came. But, my plan backfired. Days after being admitted I was still thinking about my “to do” list; my mind was cluttered with everything I should be or could be doing. [Read more…]
A number of years ago I went through a phase where I was craving an NDE (near-death experience). I did not want to leave my body permanently, but there was a desire to have more understanding about life and death, and I thought the best way to gain more understanding would be to actually have the experience of dying. I had read about near-death experiences and noticed that those who came back had a refreshed outlook on life, felt more spiritually awakened, lived life with more awareness, had a greater sense of purpose, and no longer feared death.