Michelle Leela Grace

Expressive Arts Therapy

The Siren’s Call

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I live in a house on the corner of two moderately busy streets. The daytime soundscape includes whirring of buses along cables, car tires cutting through the rain, and the occasional clamor of pedestrians on the sidewalk. The noises of the day go mostly unnoticed, standing as a backdrop for the activity of the day to play upon. But, at night this part of the city is calm and any sudden sound invades the silence of the night.

I was woken in the night by an unexpected siren resounding through the street. Slightly disoriented, I remembered the days when I used to live one street off the main route to Vancouver General Hospital. Sirens blared day and night and were usually disregarded unless they caught me in a more lucid state of mind. If it was one of the rare moments when I took notice, I’d send a prayer or just a thought of love out as the sound waved in. Last night though, in my startled state, I was just left wondering whose lives had possibly just changed forever. [Read more…]

The Door is Open

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As I’ve acknowledged the value of relationships more and more over the years, I’ve found it difficult not to get attached to certain people or certain ideas of how they are supposed to be in my life. A reason for this, I think, is because I spent most of my life pushing people away, and since it hasn’t been that long since I started to let them in, it feels almost counter-intuitive to let them leave, or even ask them to get out. It’s been a matter of trying to find the right balance between keeping some people close and letting others go. It takes both a certain discretion and a tuning into the heart, but sometimes the two conflict, and there is not always a clear answer on what to do. [Read more…]

What’s in a Name?

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I legally changed my name a couple of years ago. It may have seemed hasty to onlookers, but I had been thinking of changing it for a number of years before I actually did so. The very first time I thought of changing my name, I wanted to change it as a way to distance myself from my family; I felt I didn’t fit into their world and that I should just create my own. But, I knew that wasn’t the right reason to change it, so I held back my impulsive nature.

I went on to spend months and years in spiritual communities where name changes were common. There was that person would try on a new name every year, some who chose a new name and stuck with it, and others who waited for a name given by the teacher, as an acknowledgement that they reached a new point in their evolution. Although the motives or methods for changing names varied, the idea that one could call themselves something other than the label they were given at birth appealed to me. I pondered names in those years but let it go until a time when I felt more inspired. [Read more…]

Ready to Land

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I don’t know where the time has gone – today marks four years since I was officially diagnosed with Lymphoma. At that time, I was told I could recover in six months; I thought that seemed like a dreadfully long recovery, yet here I am… four years later, still in this situation. It’s not the same situation though, life has changed – I have changed.

Usually, I don’t think much about it; in past years, this day has come and gone without much acknowledgment on my part. I’m thinking more about it this year, perhaps because now I can actually see an end to it. It’s not that I wasn’t positive or hopeful before, I was, but something feels different this year. It’s more than hope or a positive outlook; I feel the confidence in myself to finally get through this. I have witnessed myself get through everything until this point, and reflecting back on what I have pulled myself through so far, the rest just seems easy now; it’s quite a contrast to the impossible endeavor it once seemed. I also feel like I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been.  I feel able to do what I need to do in order to move on with my life – or, perhaps I should say that I am ready to move on with my life; it’s become apparent that I wasn’t ready before. [Read more…]

A Door Closed Too Soon

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I have been in a phase of examining my interpersonal relationships these last weeks, considering which ones I’d like to nourish more and which ones I should let go. So, naturally, when I confirmed some plans to meet up with an ex-partner I got thinking about what my relationship with him should look like. We were friends for two years, then a couple for five. After a somewhat disharmonious parting, we didn’t really speak to each other for about a year. We had met twice over the last year, the first time to smooth things over and communicate the appreciation we have for each other, and then months later we caught up over a coffee when he was in town on business.

I found our last visit with each other very dry; I listened with eyes glazed over as he went on and on about what he had been doing since our previous meeting. Although the content of what he was saying was interesting, he wasn’t leaving space for me to engage. It was his typical way of relating; talking incessantly with no awareness that I had reached my capacity of what I could take in. [Read more…]