As I’ve acknowledged the value of relationships more and more over the years, I’ve found it difficult not to get attached to certain people or certain ideas of how they are supposed to be in my life. A reason for this, I think, is because I spent most of my life pushing people away, and since it hasn’t been that long since I started to let them in, it feels almost counter-intuitive to let them leave, or even ask them to get out. It’s been a matter of trying to find the right balance between keeping some people close and letting others go. It takes both a certain discretion and a tuning into the heart, but sometimes the two conflict, and there is not always a clear answer on what to do. [Read more…]
As my friend Tara and I sat waiting in the hospital the other day, I noticed a man hobbling by on crutches. Trying not to sound too uncompassionate I expressed how nice it has been not to have needed crutches for such a long time. There was a period of a couple of years where both Tara and I were on and off crutches a number of times. Luckily our injuries never occurred at the same time, so we could at least help each other when others failed to show up for the task. We reminisced a bit about the struggles and pains of being immobilized. We sighed in relief that we both had two working feet.
My body has been through so much, and I often find myself astonished at how strong it still is. I should be not only content, but very proud of what it can do, yet I find myself at times, feeling like it just isn’t enough. Most days I feel fantastic, and I can accomplish whatever physical task I set out to do. Two years ago I was grateful to just wake up alive, now I take waking up for granted, and feel I must perform some kind of physical feat in the day to be happy in my body. [Read more…]
One evening during the week I spent in the “Come Alive” program at The Haven we did a guided visualization which took us into our personal “library”. First, we were guided by the facilitator into a relaxed state of mind. She then asked us to enter our library and begin to pull books off the shelf. Inside each book was a memory from our past.
In my first book, there was a memory of a Christmas from childhood. This particular Christmas began as usual; our family was together on Christmas morning, my parents sitting on the couch and my sisters and I on the floor opening our gifts with excitement. However, this year, on the day after Christmas, my mother had suddenly disappeared. [Read more…]